The Smartest Man Since Jesus Walked The Earth

 The greatest moment in cartoon history, in my opinion, was when Spongebob and Squidward delivered the very first Krusty Krab Pizza. After going through hell and high water to get the pizza to the guy's house, Spongebob shook his ass gleefully and said, "I can't wait to see the look on the customer's face!" Spongebob rang the doorbell cheerfully, and the customer, who was some species of fish, immediately answered. Spongebob triumphantly announced that his Krusty Krab Pizza had finally arrived. The fish's mouth started to salivate with delightful anticipation, and he said, "Thanks, I've been dying for one of these!"  But then suddenly the fish's happy face turned into a frown.  "Where's my drink?" He inquired.   "What drink?" Spongebob asked, a hint of nervousness in his voice. The customer got irritated, and his blood pressure started to rise.  "MY DRINK! MY DIET DR. KELP! DON'T TELL ME YOU FORGOT MY DRINK!...

 *Note*: The discussion of this blog regarding Eddie Carr - the field equipment expert from The Lost World -  is exclusively referring to the film's version of events. Eddie Carr suffered a different fate in Michael Crichton's novel. However, when talking about the first Jurassic Park,  I'm discussing details from both the film and novel to help make things extra clear.  My favorite film scene of all time is from The Lost World . It's the thrilling scene where animal behaviorist Dr. Sarah Harding and photographer Nick Van Owen bring the injured infant Tyrannosaurus Rex to the communications trailer - in an attempt to fix its broken leg. The baby T-Rex's leg was injured by Roland Tembo, the leader of InGen's expedition team to capture a bunch of dinosaurs and bring them back to San Diego.  Before we delve into this scene, it's very important that we go over some vital background information: * The bioengineering company InGen was in financial ruin after the ...

I was completely mortified when I heard the news that the Boston Red Sox cheated during their 2018 World Championship season. I had been a Red Sox fan my entire life and I always believed that they were a paragon of virtue. Whether they won or lost, I believed that they always played the game the right way and never cheated. Yes, every Baseball team uses little tricks to try to get a slight edge, but I never thought that the Red Sox would stoop so low as to use electronic devices to steal signs from the opposing team.  When the batter knows what pitch is coming, it makes a huge difference. I have first-hand experience with this. When I was in Little League, I struck out every at-bat.  I would flail away and look like a complete clown. I always swung late at Fastballs. I always swung too early at Changeups. I always missed by a mile at Curves, Sliders, and Knuckleballs. Eventually some opposing pitchers took pity on me and told me that they were going to lob an easy one over ...

This whole Coronavirus thing is really pissing me off! COVID-19, one of the worst sons of bitches who ever lived, has made everybody so terrified that nobody wants to go outside in fear that they'll come across this bastard on the street and meet their demise. Even fast food restaurants have closed down their concourses and only have their drive-thru operational as a means to get nutrition. Before this monstrosity, one of the things I looked forward to everyday was when I would go to McDonalds or some other crusty joint and sit there for a long time while I munched down on thousands of calories worth of cholesterol and took a million refills from the soda fountain (often combining different flavors and seeing which ones mix and matched the best). It was during quaint time when I would think of all the important stuff in my personal life and broader world issues - such as WWE, video games, and SpongeBob SquarePants. It's nice to just sit and think. I would sit on my chafing ass ...

I was on the brink of death! I had inoperable terminal cancer all over my entire body. Tubes were coming out of me every which way. I even had a tube lodged up my anus. My breath was faint and I knew I was living out my final days. I wanted to spend the rest of the little time I had in this world relaxing. All I wanted to do was chill, watch TV and play videogames. But then things went completely downhill! A full tumor wrapped around my entire brain. I went into a vegetative state and my mind was a bunch of mush. It was even worse than being in a normal comma - my mouth was hanging off my face sideways and slobbering droll was coming from my tongue while my eyes had rolled into the back of my head. My skin went pale and I looked like a zombie. My hair was wasn't groomed at all: it went completely white and looked very thin and flaky. My face was so wrinkly that a person only had to look at it for a tenth of a second to feel extremely ill. A chunk of my nose had fallen off and lef...

This past month hasn't been one of my best. Usually I'm very suave and debonair, but lately I've been acting like a schlub. I stupidly for the past little while was accidentally not using shampoo in my hair. When I was showering I was using the conditioner bottle for my hair (without even realizing it wasn't shampoo). It was a real face palm moment! My hair looked like an absolute mop! It was very greasy, tangled in knots and just plain disgusting. My cowlick was sticking up and I couldn't get it to go down. It's no wonder why all of the girls with huge tits who are usually all over me have been repulsed by me recently. I must've stunk to high heaven! Thankfully I realized my error and got myself some real first-class salon approved shampoo. But not washing my hair properly wasn't the worst thing that happened to me this month. A few days ago something truly horrific occurred. I might never live this down. I'll be truly ashamed of this for the rest o...

There used to be a time when a man didn't leave his home without wearing a fancy hat. A nice tailored suit and immaculate head wear were staples of men's clothing during the late 1800s and early 1900s. The Top Hat was the OG of the modern fancy hats. The iconic image of Abraham Lincoln can't be complete without him dawning his huge Top Hat. The elites of society wore their Top Hats proudly and showed them off to the whole world wherever they went. It may seem silly now, but the Top Hat was epitome of cool during its day. Unfortunately, it didn't stand the test of time, and very few people continue to wear Top Hats. Next came the Bowler hat. It didn't actually get its name because of its bowl shape, as many people think, but rather from the last name of the man who produced it. The Bowler hat was first conceived when gamekeepers and riders on horseback were clunking their heads on trees. They were really pissed off from hurting themselves all the time and they demand...