Always Buckle Up Your Fast Food Bag

This whole Coronavirus thing is really pissing me off! COVID-19, one of the worst sons of bitches who ever lived, has made everybody so terrified that nobody wants to go outside in fear that they'll come across this bastard on the street and meet their demise. Even fast food restaurants have closed down their concourses and only have their drive-thru operational as a means to get nutrition. Before this monstrosity, one of the things I looked forward to everyday was when I would go to McDonalds or some other crusty joint and sit there for a long time while I munched down on thousands of calories worth of cholesterol and took a million refills from the soda fountain (often combining different flavors and seeing which ones mix and matched the best). It was during quaint time when I would think of all the important stuff in my personal life and broader world issues - such as WWE, video games, and SpongeBob SquarePants. It's nice to just sit and think. I would sit on my chafing ass and think, think, think! I did this until I would have to take a major dump and rush home (I will never use the wretched bathrooms that plague these public places).

But because of this COVID-19 situation, I can't even do this simple joy of life. Everybody now just gets ushered past the drive-thru as quick as possible. This means I only get one measly fill up for my drink and I can't experiment with different flavors. It also means that I can't mess around with the ice dispenser. But the worst thing of all is it means I personally have to secure my food until I get home and set it on my table. When we were allowed to eat at the restaurant, one of the cheerful employees would bring the food to us or we would only have to walk a few feet from the counter to our seat. But now we're expected to take on the personal responsibility of getting the food all the way to our house. This has caused major problems!

The other day I went to Jack In The Box. I ordered a spicy chicken sandwich, five large curly fries, ten tacos, three Jumbo Jacks, a large Dr. Pepper, and an Oreo Milkshake. The first thing the worker gave me was the Oreo Milkshake. In a total brain fart moment, I didn't realize that I didn't yet have the rest of the food and I started to drive away. I realized my error before I drove out of the center, but I still had to wait in the whole line all over again. I kept yelling "Shit!" "Caca!" "Crud!" and a bunch of other fecal matter and feces-based obscenities over and over again. When I finally got back to the window, the worker looked at me like I was a total schmuck. I don't blame him.

But nevertheless, I couldn't wait to get back to my house and cobble it all down in one bite. On the way home, though, my meal almost perished before it got in my stomach. The bag was resting in the front seat and it radiated with the delicious smell of deep fried food. It was a happy little thing! But when I had to stop suddenly, the bag almost tipped over and fell to the ground. Thankfully I have cat-like reflexes and was able to use my right hand to push it back. I sighed in relief and my stomach showed gratitude for saving the day.

When I arrived at my place, I decided that the most efficient way to bring all the food in without making multiple trips would be to place the Oreo Shake in the bag with all the food and carry the Dr. Pepper with my other hand. It sounded good on paper, but it ended up being the worst decision of my life. I didn't even walk three steps before the bag tore and all the food spilled out. In my shock and horror, I let the Dr. Pepper slip through my grasp and it too splattered all over the place. For ten seconds I couldn't say anything. My face just contorted in anger. But then the rage was too much and I yelled "FUCK!"

My whole night was ruined! I was forced to eat a mediocre tv dinner and I was so furious over the whole situation that I just went straight to bed. That night I had many nightmares about bags ripping apart and fries and junk spilling all over the place.

The next day I made a bunch of diarrhea in the morning. My stomach had to cleanse itself of that accursed tv dinner. When I felt better I went to McDonalds. Once again I had to schlep past the drive-thru. I ordered eight Big Macs, seven supersized fries, six chicken McNuggets, five McChickens, four McDoubles, three Hash Browns, two large Sprites, and an Oreo McFlurry. It took them a really long time to make it, and I kept yelling GOD DAMN IT, HURRY UP ALREADY!" As soon as they were done I swiped it angrily out of the guy's hand, but as I started to drive away, I noticed that they had messed up my order. I gave out a primordial screech and I had to wait in the drive-thru all over again. It took a long time to get everything settled, but eventually they made things right.

Everything was good until I made the turn into my neighborhood. I made a right turn and I saw out of the corner of my eye that the bag was tipping over. I yelled "NO!" - but it was too late! My reflexes weren't good enough this time and I watched in dismay as the bag completely fell to the ground, spilling all the rubbish. This time, not only was my meal ruined but the inside of my car was ruined too. I yelled "Jesus! WHY!? WHY!? WHY!?" and I started to sob in absolute despair!

This should be a cautionary tale. Once you get your fast food bag and place it on your front seat, make sure you fasten the seat belt on it! No fast food item should ever have to succumb to the stupidity of a person not securing it properly!