Tsuris At A Restaurant

The tide is finally starting to turn on COVID-19. He was kicking our asses for a whole year, and he had us on the ropes, but in this war of attrition the momentum has shifted to our side. There are still many imbeciles who are refusing to get vaccinated -- and there are many morons who are not wearing masks in indoor public places -- but despite all these fools, COVID-19's days are numbered. 

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*Author's note*: The Delta variant of COVID-19 is starting to scare me. It's like in the original Sonic Adventure when that Chaos liquid monster could evolve into a greater form. I pray that COVID-19 doesn't have a perfect form. If it does, then the only way we can defeat Coronavirus is if we gather all seven Chaos Emeralds + the Master Emerald and let Sonic the Hedgehog transform into Super Sonic and fight COVID head on -- with an awesome song like "Live and Learn" or "Open Your Heart" by Crush 40 playing in the background.  

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For over a year I was too afraid to leave my house. I didn't even venture past my driveway one time during the second half of 2020. It wasn't until a few months ago that I built up the courage to take a walk around my neighborhood -- and even then I had to wear a full hazard suit. I was living like a hermit in my decrepit house, getting through every day by watching Nickelodeon, ESPN, Lifetime, HBO and Netflix. 

However, a few months ago I was finally able to get the vaccine. The moment I was informed that I could get the vaccine, I sped to the nearest hospital, pushed my way to the front of the line and demanded that I be injected that instant. Normally I would've been required to make an official appointment, but because there are so many stupid schmucks who are refusing the vaccine, there was plenty for me. They were worried that all their current shipment of the vaccine was going to expire, so I actually did them a favor by coming in. 

I filled out a bunch of paperwork and did all the boring bureaucratic procedures. After an hour of meticulously detailing all my allergies and medical problems, I was at last able to get vaccinated. The nurse stabbed the needle into my arm, which hurt like an absolute motherfucker. 

A few weeks later I got my second dose. After each of the doses I had explosive diarrhea all night, but I was otherwise fine. 

Two weeks after my second dose I was fully vaccinated and safe from that piece of shit, COVID-19! 

"Hallelujah!" I yelled in triumph. I pumped my fist into the air and was ready to get on with my life. I wanted to do a bunch of things that I couldn't do during the height of the pandemic. The first thing I did was go to Queen tribute concert. The event turned out to be nothing but tsuris! The tribute band, Queen Nation, was awesome, but the venue had a bunch of problems and the service was totally lousy. I go into full details about that event in my previous blog. 

Even though I had a bad time at that event, I still wanted to do a bunch of things I couldn't do last year. So I decided to eat indoors at a nice restaurant. 

I actually haven't had a good meal in over a year. I've been surviving on a grotesque combination of mushy cheerios, expired mac and cheese, runny instant soup and moldy peanut butter. It's been absolutely horrendous! Jesus said: "Man can't live on stale bread alone!"

I went to this barbeque joint that I was quite fond of. I hadn't been there since early 2020, but I always loved their food every time I consumed it. When I walked in I noticed that the whole place was in a state of decay. The walls were rotting with sickly green mold, the floor had grime everywhere and there was a pungent stench of rotten eggs. 

I wrinkled my nose in disgust and narrowed my eyes in complete disdain. This was nothing like how I remembered the restaurant being. It was never sparkling clean, but it definitely wasn't a schlock house. The air used to waft with the pleasant scent of delicious meats cooking. Now it totally stank like shit! 

It was very jarring. I was taken aback by of this, and I highly considered going to Burger King instead, but I decided to give the place a try. I used to be so enamored with this place that I decided I could give it a chance. 

I expected for a host or hostess to seat me, but the person at the front counter told me that I needed to order right there, and then I would have to seat myself. 

I was thinking: God, this place has become dreck! 

But I also figured that as long as the food was delicious, I would tolerate the bad atmosphere. I ordered a huge combo plate of ribs and tri-tip. It came with three sides: a backed potato, fries and onion rings. To wash it all down I wanted my go-to soda, Diet Coke. Unfortunately, they only had Diet Pepsi. This was a warning sign that the meal was going to be disgusting! 

I sat down and waited over 90 minutes for my food to arrive. I kept banging my utensils on the table and shouting profanities. The staff completely ignored my tantrum, and their apathy toward my anger made me even more enraged. 

The food finally came, and my mouth started to salivate. But my grin quickly dropped into a frown when I looked at the food. There were only two flimsy pieces of tri-tip and one micro-sized piece of ribs (which were raw, not medium-well as I had asked). They wrongly gave me frozen mashed potatoes instead of a baked potato, and they completely omitted the fries and onion rings.

In the past they would pile the meat on a huge platter so high that it almost reached the ceiling. It was a tower of beef. But now they only gave me a little plastic plate and put minimal meat on it. If that wrinkly old bag of a woman from those 80s Wendy's commercials had been there, she would've said, "WHERE'S THE BEEF?"    

I started to shake with complete fury. This meal was a total mess! I banged on the table again and was miraculously able to get the attention of one of the staff members.

"Is there a problem, sir?" He had the nerve to say.

"YOU'RE GOD DAMN RIGHT THERE'S A PROBLEM!" I screamed at the top of my lungs! "THIS MEAL IS A BUNCH OF SHIT!"

The guy started to stutter out an apology, but I didn't want to hear it. The Tsuris was too much! In a state of absolute rage I did one of the most devastating and destructive moves ever invented. 

Taught to me by Chris Chan, I gathered every ounce of my strength and bellowed, "CURSE-YE-HA-ME-HA!" 

I was amazed at my own strength. The whole place collapsed and was left in a heap of rubble! I don't know the fate of the staff, but I do know that I stormed off to Burger King. I ordered five whoppers, four large fries, three chicken sandwiches, two tacos and a large frozen Diet Coke! 

Unfortunately I had trouble balancing the tray and I spilled the food all over myself. "GOD DAMN IT!" I screamed!

IT WAS NOTHING BUT TSURIS!